Lovingkindness

Lovingkindness is the ability to embrace all parts of ourselves as well as all parts of the world. It is similar in many respects to the western concept of unconditional love, a love for all things without expecting anything in return or attaching strings.

Lovingkindness meditation can be done by itself for concentrated periods of time or used at the end of other meditation practices. The Lovingkindness/metta practice is divided into 5 or 6 stages (depending on the teacher). In a usual daily practice of metta, 5-10 minutes would be devoted to each stage. However, it can also be done intensively with a whole week spent on each stage.

The mediation practice:

After completing preparation for meditation, the lovingkindness practice begins with the gentle repetition of several phrases that are meaningful in terms of what we wish, first for ourselves, and then for others. There are usually four phrases used:

- May I be free from danger
- May I have mental happiness
- May I have physical happiness
- May I have ease of well-being

The repetition of the phrases can be coordinated with the breath or just have the mind focusing on them and even pausing after to see how you feel after each. The actual phrases can be altered slightly so they make sense to the individual saying them. What is important is the meaning being the words so they encompass the feelings of being safe, happy, peaceful, strong, healthy and cared for.

As mentioned, the first stage is to develop metta towards ourselves. The next stages are to a benefactor, a good friend, a neutral person, a “difficult” person (traditionally referred to as our enemy) and finally to all beings. The latter can include animals, plants, nature, the earth and the universe, if appropriate.

Step 1 – To ourselves: The first stage is very important and necessary, although it can feel uncomfortable or selfish to do so. It is often easier for us to send Lovingkindness to others than to ourselves, as we think ourselves unworthy of having or that our needs and desires are less important than those of others. There may be aspects of ourselves that we are ashamed of, but awareness of our shortcomings in no reason not to feel kindness towards ourselves, just as it is no reason not to feel it for others. Like the common saying “you need to love yourself before you can love others”, sending lovingkindness to ourselves, gives us the strength and the foundation to be able to send it to others. We also see that the source of our own well-being lies deep within us and is not something that anyone or anything else can take away from us.

If blocks occur doing the first stage, it is recommended that you try remembering a time when something you did or said was a kind or good action, or alternatively recall a time when you were well and happy. If that also proves difficult, you can think about something you like about yourself or reflect on the primal urge towards happiness within you.

Step 2 – Benefactor: The next stage is to focus on a benefactor e.g. a spiritual teacher or mentor. If you don’t have one, it is suggested that you use a dear grandparent or grandchild, but not partners because of potential buried emotions that may be present within the relationship. Lustful or romantic love can be self-serving, while the aim of lovingkindness is to be unconditional. We wish others well for their own sake, not ours.

Step 3 – A Good Friend: The next stage is to develop lovingkindness towards a good friend, which is often considered to be the easiest stage of the meditation. Traditional guidelines say that this person should be alive, of a similar age to you and not be someone to who we are romantically attached. However, I have also read that a favourite pet could be used here. The intent is to achieve a relatively easy flow of lovingkindness in practice.

Step 4 – Neutral Person: Next, we focus on a neutral person. The neutral person should be someone you do not know and have no feeling towards, positive or negative. They may be someone you passed in the street or saw on the train, work with or someone in your local community. It can be quite challenging and easy to lose momentum at this stage because there is less intensity of emotion. So it is suggested that you focus on feeling gratitude for a service this person may be performing for us or imagining how they might be feeling the same joys and fears as us. By cultivating interest in someone we perceive not to mean anything to us, we are better able to overcome selfishness and craving because we open our hearts to someone just because they are who they are.

Step 5 – Difficult Person: It is then time to move on to sending lovingkindness to a “difficult” person. This is not easy as there is usually much anger and resentment involved. Do what you can.

Reflecting on the lovingkindness phrases we repeat, we start to realize that they contain all we need to be truly happy and for those around us to be truly happy, not the usual material concerns that we normally get caught up worrying about.

Doing the lovingkindness meditation regularly cultivates an equality of loving feeling towards ourselves and all beings.

Doing the lovingkindness meditation may not provide an instantaneous transformative effect as it tends to be a cumulative experience, with most people noticing a benefit in a relatively short time. It is a purification process and slowly transforms the way we relate to the world and ourselves. As we begin to be gentler with ourselves, the felling of well-being extends to others.